Sometimes things happen that I don't understand

This is how I feel...

2010-03-10T19:58:00.001-08:00

I wish I didnt hate my body most of the time.
I wish I had money, not because I'm materialistic but rather money makes living in this world so much easier. All for going back to the trade and barter system.
I wish I could actually have a break, no responsibilities, no HW, just me time
I wish both programs I am waiting for would get back to me with their responses
I wish I could drive so I could just get in the car and go, for no other reason except going.
I wish I had a treadmill in this house so I could run/walk my stress out, I hate not having a place to put my aggression.
I wish I was listened to, not just heard.
I wish I had a room, like an actual sanctuary not just a room with my stuff temporarily placed.
I wish my HW would go do itself.
I wish my besties were with me.
I wish I had security AND freedom.

Thanks for listening God.

Chapel Stirrings...

2010-02-18T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today in chapel we were asked to remember these questions, who we are and whose we are. Both are such important questions to ask as a individual and as a Christian. The answer to these questions helps to shape the individual mindset, they also help to define individual faith. My Christianity, my personal reaction and interaction with God has been shaky lately and it is very upsetting. I don't necessarily like who I am at times, for a variety of reasons (personal traits/ticks/etc) I'm also not really happy where I am personally. Ive discovered some songs bring tears and some pictures make my cry hard. These things I stumble on bring memories that make me conflicted.... But I'm ok. Through it all I'm ok causeI know I am God's. The things I see as imperfections are things that my Lord gave me. God loves me, even when I cant love myself.

Lenten Stirrings

2010-02-16T08:58:00.000-08:00

Just like Casey posted Lent is my favorite Christian season, it slides right before Advent. Lent has been experienced and expressed in many forms by me over the years. One year I gave up meat which led to a 7month period after where I was a vegetarian, one year I began a devotional and journaling two things I still do on a not so consistent basis. And I have fasted.

This year I'm doing a bunch. I'm giving up soda, and no cursing. AND I'm not gossiping, which will be super hard for me. I dont realize I gossip but have been aware that I talk more than I need to about situations I know nothing about. With the cursing and gossip I need to figure out a way to make sure they stick, a punishment of sorts, maybe a fine for myself. I also plan on fasting once a week. And taking a day for me, to just be. I need to strengthen my relationship with God, I need to be more aware of my actions and words, conscious of what comes out of my mouth and what I think. Little changes that will change me to be the Christian and the person I need to be.

Love

2010-02-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day....this year its about me! Learning to love me. And oh so appropriate that Ash Wednesday is this week....I plan on using this season of Lent to take care of me, to nurture me, to love me. If I can do it for 40days I can do it for the rest of my life :) Lord for a clean heart, for clarity, for patience... I ask for it all!

turbulance

2010-01-18T09:43:00.000-08:00

Last week I went with some other Drew students to participate in the VRC's alternate winter break. The focus of the week is homelessness. My heart was pulled in all directions during this week. It was emotionally and physically draining. The good thing is I feel I may have a better grasp on what I want to do for my ministry, I know a lil early but I want to have some idea when I leave for grad school. There were alot of personality clashes as well this past week that made me realize how much of an independent worker I am...

The other side of life is that Lloyd's father passed away. The same day Mr. Cardwell passed away. This has got me thinking about who the black men are that will step up. How can we as women encourage and support our men? How can we within the church/Christian community spiritually and emotionally nourish?? What can I do at Drew to encourage? How can my potential ministry reach these people?

So many questions besides the ones I stated. Finding the answers is the hard part... Lord lead

This year

2010-01-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

So this year has begun with no real bang for me but also no real change in some situations from before. It has begun with frustrations, questions and sadly some expectations... One thing I am trying to do is strengthen my relationship with God and figure out who I am. I say who I am and not who I am as a Christian because my Christianity is inherent to who I am, what makes me me.

One thing I am actually trying to do is take me time this semester and this year. This will be seen through scheduled workout time on my end to ensure my personal fitness and to ensure my happiness with my physical. It will also be seen through taking an actual sabbath. The extent of doing work will be reading for a class. If I stick to my intended schedule I shall have plenty of time to guarantee success. Lord God I pray for success.

Something I did do differently this year was write a list of goals for the year. I havent done this for a while but its a great way to focus on a daily level. I need to focus on the day to day to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." (Mat 6:34).

Prayers would be greatly appreciated from all of you. :)

Knocked out of a Worshippping mind

2009-11-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

Church ended 2 hours ago and still I feel unsettled, and annoyed, and a tad upset. Austin says I look sad, and in a way I guess I am. Getting to church early today made me happy and after the great service on Friday I had great expectations for todays service. The service itself was awesome and spirit driven, while Rev Powell's word was on POINT but my neighbor made church almost unbearable. As church began a family who are members of the church came in and I scooted over to let them sit. I am usually able to judge how much room is needed and I did but she asked me to scoot over again until I ended up moving from one side of the bench to the other for two adults and a child. SO this had made me a tad irritated but I let it go and moved on.

I am a worshipper, anyone who knows me knows that I praise God through my worship and specifically my music. As usual music as FBCSO was amazing and I was truly enjoying it but the woman next to me kept on taking me out of my worship. She as well was enjoying the music and began to worship with her hands but her hands started to invade my space. It continued to happen throughout the service. She waved her hands in praise, in front of my face among other things. The whole experience reminded me of something I read last summer about worship and worshipping. It said something along the lines of just because you are in a mindset of worship it doesnt mean you should ignore your neighbor and fellow worshipper. You are not the only one worshipping when in a worship setting such as church. This is something I try to remember wherever I am, whether I am leading worship or not. Unless I am worshipping by myself I need to be concious of everyone around me. Im still bothered by this instince.

Lord help me to forgive and move past this situation. Help me to not let these things discourage me from worshipping you. Thank you for being an understanding and merciful God. Amen

Thankful

2009-10-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

We went to Kathleen's confirmation today as a house (minus one) and I was reminded how blessed I am to be a United Methodist. The service was relatively short surprisingly for 80 confirmants and very packed. As the service continued I got increasingly more uncomfortable. Since the place was packed I was standing, I couldn't receive communion cause I am not Catholic and then in the Bishops "homily" he said something about marriage is only by man and woman. SO I was and still am frustrated. But I am also thankful. This evening reminded me that regardless of crap in the UMC it is my home and where my heart is spiritually. Oh I can wander in and out of many religions and various Christian sects but the UMC is where I am. Thank God for leading my family to the United Methodist Church and planting it within my heart.

Religion

2009-10-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

The idea of organized religion has always been apparent in my life. Living in Spirituality House we usually discuss religion v. spirituality and religion in connection with spirituality. The house this year is predominately Christian or Christian based if they are not practicing- and it bothers me. This idea has been bothering me all semester. I feel like this is the first time in my life where I was surrounded by and stuck in a place with one mindset. It hurts my soul. This is not to say I do not love my housemates because I do. They are a silly bunch of people who I am blessed to live with but in terms of dynamic the house this year is not the reason I joined Spirituality.

I have always had a diverse group of friends and people surrounding me in terms of religion, spirituality, race and gender predominately. For this I am so thankful and so blessed. The house this year is as I said predominately Christian, predominately female (10-3), predominately upper middle class and predominately white. Like I said its a weird dynamic for me. AT the end of the day though I am happy for it. I am able to be immersed in a culture and with people I may not have spent so much time with. Thank God for it.

i wanna...

2009-10-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

I wanna go back to the days of realness, i wanna go back to you holding me for know reason. Going back to the days when you knew what was on my mind by looking in my eyes, when you looked in my eyes and saw my soul. I wanna go to the place where I felt most comfortable. i wanna go back to you. I wanna be able to love again with such completeness. I wanna be able to snuggle with you. I wanna be able to talk about anything, just because. I wanna go to a place of opening, honesty, listening ears. To a place of open hearts. I wanna...

Breathe In... Breathe out

2009-10-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Today was a bad day, or more so an emotional one. I had fours of sleep, woke up at 6:45 and studied for my sociology midterm till 8:45. Took my exam came back to my room and finished a paper, went to chapel and got out earlier then usual so I went to the commons for lunch. Then another class where we watched the end of a film that held a rape scene that thoroughly unsettled me. Went to the dorm to grab some stuff, Caito was moving out and then the fire alarm went off. Set me in a bad mood which was with me as I went to Ubuntu. Ubuntu was not fulfilling so bomb there. Cleaned a fridge I borrowed from storage and began to clean my room, went to dinner and now am sitting in my last class. I am looking forward to Tben's session so much tonight!

I am just so done, so fed up and feel like if someone says the wrong thing to me I am going to break down and cry. I hate feeling this way. I know it has a lttle to do with PMS but still my cup of emotion is overflowing. I want to crawl into bed with chocolate things and watch movies and cuddle. But I cant! I have a midterm to study for tomorrow and I am totally nervous about it! I dont want to think about work this weekend, after friday I am taking care of Catherine. I hope to fix my room by saturday... Breathe!

I miss Michelle and my Thursday hug. I am so blessed to have her in my life and am glad I got to spend time with her Tuesday. I am so excited for the session tonight because it is the highlight of my week! Im fed up with things and Im just so done...

uhoh

2009-10-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

time to reevaluate a bunch of things in my life...lets see how that goes ;)

2009-10-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

regardless of the face i put on i still hurt, im still human.

space

2009-10-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

Michelle and I talked about personal and individual space earlier, and she made a great point. In grad school (for masters or phD) you get your own bedroom. The idea of your space and quiet time is realized and catered to because it is seen as a necessasity within your schloarly job.But yet in undergrad you are generally forced to share a bedroom with someone for 2-4 years.

I bring this up because I need my own space. Casey's blog about the wingback chair and quiet time were a reminder and wake up call for me to do the same. In my almost 21 years of life I have NEVER had my own room and I am so ready. Just pray for space, that I give others the space they need and that I take my own space as well

<3

...

2009-10-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like your soul was in pain? Like your heart was ripped out of your chest? Ive been there and I pray I'm better for it. When you've hit the bottom the only place to go is up.

Disney gave me an idealized notion of love

2009-09-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Love isnt easy, there are struggles. I understand that and see it through my own relationships and through disney movies. I dont know if im in love with the idea of love or what it actually is. Im just so confused. Love....whats the point?

Mish Mosh of Craziness and Love

2009-09-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today was a weird yet interesting day. It started at 2:30am when I went to sleep with a pseudo roomie. Caito had to move in because her room is officially under quarantine due to the excess of black mold in it (finally!!). Since I had the open double single in the house I offered my personal space and my heart to this wonderful woman. In the 24 hours she has been my "roommate" (until housing and Res life give her a REAL room in the house) she has seen my cry, made me smile, made me laugh and been the big spoon to my little spoon. :) I am very lucky to have her listen to me and just be silly with me. So my day began oddly to say the least. There was alot of little foolishness throughout the day which can be summarized in me wondering whether I want to truly be a member of the SLUG board. I love IVCF and will not leave being involved with the organization but I do know that mindsets need to change and forward motion needs to be made by everyone on the board for anything positive to happen and for God to truly use the board to change hearts and transform lives.

The big turning point (sorta) in my day was going to see Austin. Its been so hard these past few months and I have really tried to pull the wool over my eyes. I gave him back the necklace. he gave me this beautiful heart necklace for Christmas. It was simple and had rubies because he couldnt find garnets, which are my birthstone. When he gave it to me he said it represented his heart. I wore it till the chain broke, got the chain fixed, it broke again and bought a new chain. I put it in an envelope and gave it to him. It was so hard for me to do it and he seemed so indifferent but his societal masculine identity will not let him tell me that it bothered him (I know him well enough to know it did bother him a little). I had to do it though because we are not in a relationship. And it is a true example of things being romantically over. His heart isnt mine, I am not in a relationship with him, he needs to be free to live his life and I need to be free as well.

The funny thing is while Im giving him the necklace his mother texts me to say she misses me and such. Oh the irony! I had been debating how to deal with my relationship with his parents and many have told me to cut off the relationship with his parents when i cut off the relationship with him. That is so stupid. They are adult about the situation. And how can I be so rude? Austins parents took me into their home and fed me for a summer for free. They treated me like family and support me like no other. I would be a mess if I lost that and I wont. My relationship with them was developed because of my interactions with them. I love them, they are like my second parents.

The best part of my night was the two-ish hours I spent on the phone with Meaghan. I havent seriously talked to her since the end of April. Oh we checked up on one another and updated each other on our lives but that was about it. I knew about Meaghan before I met her due to a mutual family friend. She is one of my favorite people and such a great inspiration, plus a wonderful sister friend. I am really blessed to have her in my life, and I get to see her tomorrow! It has been far too long and I need my sister-friends more than ever!

Its almost 2am and I havent done half the readings I should have but I am totally fine with that. I am at peace, a content feeling that has been missing for a bit. I have to be up and at the gym by 7am, it may sound silly but I need to do it for me. Tomorrow is a CRAZY day and right now I am totally confident in how it will turn out. I like where I am.

"Our hearts always hunger for..." the vamp to a song by Anthony Evans is playing as I close this post up and I am hungry for my daddy to work in my life and do amazing things. I'm ready.

Semester stirrings...

2009-09-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

It has definitely been a while since I wrote in this blog. There has been alot going on and alot of mind battles with myself. Reading Casey's recent posts have made me so happy. Her true happiness and doing what is best for her warms my heart and makes my soul smile. I went through alot of stuff during the four days I was home at the end of August and my family still pretends that nothing happened and wont talk about it. I have realized that I love my family but right now I have to do me. My happiness is way to important to me. And my sanity is way to important. This doesnt mean I dont love them it just means that I need to take a step away to get through my stuff and baggage.

The house is Haselton is starting to feel like home which is good. I love my school family. The current drama in WHOS, related to me and Leslie by our current housemates is breaking my heart. The group is barely a musical group and is definitely not a Christian fellowship, Kathleen quit becasue of the current directors sympathy. What happened?!?!? Les and I are going to try to talk to Arnold this weekend about the situation. We hope that we can do something since WHOS is technically a IVCF small group. Still praying about the best way to handle this though.

People have changed after this past summer. People have seen to grow and mature and are more real with themselves and others. The upperclassmen seem lighter, its a nice change. Part of me has avoided walking in the forest because I am scared to have that much space with God. Im sorta scared to be that raw with my Lord. Although I am a big proponent of the gender neutral God I need God to be my daddy. My earthly dad has hurt me so much with his actions and his words these last couple of months and I am so tired of being hurt.

Austin and I are trying to be best friends. People are so confused by our relationship and frankly at times I am confused to. But we are working at our relationship. I want him to be my best friend again. We need to get there before we enter into a relationship of a romantic nature again. We both need to grow as individuals to make this work together. If I marry this man we need to be in partnership with Christ indiviually and a as a couple. Its all about space, time and God's will right now.

Lastly I am praying and worrying for my niece Noni and my godsister Tracy. Noni's father has been accusatory and just plain old unhealthy for my sister and Im scared for Noni. Luckily Tracy is a very strong black woman who has been to hell and back but has come out on top by the grace of God and this same mindsight has been instilled in Noni, even though shes only 2. I dont want anyone, especially my niece to go through the emotional and verbal crap I went through. I hope that I can get through my stuff to be a good role model and a good aunt to Noni.

SO all in all there is just alot of stuff going on in all aspects of my life. Theres a song by Israel Houghton that just makes me happy called Moving Forward. The lyrics are my prayer now:
"I'm not going back, I'm moving ahead. I'm here to declare to you my past is over. In You all things are made new. Surrendered My life to Christ. I'm moving, moving forward... You make all things new. Yes, you make all things new and I will follow You forward."

Turning it around...

2009-08-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

Its been a very stressful couple of weeks between work, getting ready for school, dealing with other relationships...you get the idea. I realize I have been taking on the weight of the world because somehow I feel I have too. But even though I realize I dwell to much I still cant let it go. I want financial security, I want my own place, I want to dictate my own time. I saw my mom today which was nice, I havent seen her since the end of June. My dad seems to want me home but he hasnt told me so himself. Is that so much to ask? Within my relationship it has helped in some sense with my relationship with my dad. I realize men as a gender have issues with emotions and expressing them. Yes there are exceptions but they are rare. Otherwise I resolve to do me and worry about me, as selfish as that sounds it will be beyond hard for me to accomplish! Pray for me!!

My minds telling me no...

2009-07-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

But unlike the R.Kelly song my body is not telling me yes. I feel fat and ugly and gross and unpretty lately. Its hard to eat properly while working at Drew, its hard to work out when im tired after work. And it hurts the most because Austin thinks Im beautiful and tells me as such. But at the same time he is always on me when i dont work out and whenever he does that it brings up old feelings and memories of my father. My father and my relationship with him has become a stumbling block within my other relationships and it sucks. Interpersonal relationships are such a big thing for me and i have realized i truly lack intimacy within many of my relationships. Besides my friendships what worries me is my relationship with Austin. I really do put alot of past emotions on him and he sometimes takes is as attacking him not that it is misplaced aggression.

It has been hard in general lately. SO many people have passed away this path month and i havent really taken me time to think and process. Granted it has been no one I have been truly close with and no family but it has been people I know and who have affected me and my personal walk in life.

I need to bake, it has been too long since Ive released my stress...

tired

2009-06-24T19:35:00.000-07:00

im just so tired now. there are so many emotions rolling through me right now. i need an internal filing cabinet cause my life is all sorts of unorganized. Lord give me strength to go on right now.

Too much

2009-05-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

I have taken on too much, I stress, I worry and make myself sick over insignificant things. I do not always take time for me! And due to this craziness my relationships suffer. Austin and I are in a good place right now. We are trying to take this summer to learn more about each other as individuals and within this relationship and I know that this will help us grow together. My relationships with friends have suffered. I have been so wrapped up in me and my crap that I forgot and forget about others things that are bigger then my problems. I have not truly spent time with my best friends in a long time. I am trying to get into a weekly or every other week conversation with my friends to strengthen our bonds.
SO Julia, Casey, Leslie, Michelle, Amanda, and William expect a call, visit or email every two weeks or so that we can talk and be in relationship with one another. Whether it means exchanging information on whats new or going out for a meal or watching a movie together I am making date time with yall because I love you. (Austin this means you too but you get more time with me cause our relationship is different ;)...)
Most importantly worrying about the foolishness has hurt my relationship with God. Spritiually I am in a weird place and that needs to be fixed. So this is the summer of repair....break out the duct tape!

Cat

Interesting...

2009-05-11T04:39:00.001-07:00

So I got woken up at 5:50am by loud people outside my window. The joy! Im moving back home today as well and I have so much stuff! I think one of my goals this summer is to minimalize, everything in my life, physical and emotional. And so begins my summer, well sorta...Trying not to lose my mind and trying to do me :)

ugh

2009-04-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

I just realized I really miss a Capella. I am listening to AOTA practice for Jamfest and I really miss singing a Capella. I hated the crap in WHOS and I still do but I miss performing.

Plus today has been a day, a day that will live in infamy in my mind. Sick to my stomach- yay.

Crud...

2009-04-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

SO love, am I in love with love?!?!?!?! I have been going through so much lately and a lot of new and old emotions have been popping up as well. I have come to the realization that I need some serious therapy, there is no question! Psychologically I am not all there and daddy really messed with me as well. My relationship with this man (dad) is affecting and ultimately hurting and possibly destroying my relationship with the man i love. This man is doubting my love for him and me. It hurts and it sucks! Im scared to actually focus on this mater because i feel i wont be in a good place. awesome.

Freaking out....

2009-04-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

So i had a total freak out last night. For a variety of reasons, I'm not handling stress well! I am trying to handle my emotions currently. I need to minimalize and de-clutter my life physically and emotionally. This weekend is going to be crazy too. It begins R.E.A.C.H. and so the 24-hr prayer room is in affect. Jr/Sr is tonight, 19hrs of work this weekend. Alot of other stuff too....Plus papers and all starts of foolishness. Tired, so tired. Not sleeping well, plus not feeling very "christian" lately. I keep of thinking of the sermon from Wednesday's chapel, "What if I dont love Jesus?" I'm thinking I dont...at least not the way I'm "supposed to". Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hallelujah

2009-04-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

Today is Palm Sunday and so begins Holy Week. A time of reflection and preparation for the resurrection of Christ. This Lent has been a continual struggle and just a mess. I hope that with the resurrection my life also has a new start. For new beginnings...

-C

dear world...

2009-04-02T09:18:00.001-07:00

Why do I feel like such a failure? A feeling I've had most of my life. Was it something from a past life, something from the now? Who put the curse on me? I'm so tired of being inadequate and feeling inadequate, sick to my stomach... strength, power and courage...i need it but i dont know if i even have the desire to find it. Scarily I feel like giving up, yet again... Bad place

I need a pause button....

2009-03-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

...to breathe. I realize I have truly have not had a break since the last week of December. Spring Break itself was more stress then anything. I was trying to write daily on this blog since Ash Wednesday but everytime I tried my computer or my internet connection would be silly- oh technology. These last two weeks have been some of the most draining I have ever had. Physical, emotional and spiritual stress are beginning to overwhelm my entire being. I am trying to trust, I am trying to give it all up to God but for some reason I am having a BIG problem doing this. My <3 is considering leaving Drew and is being discouraged by his entie situation here. I think part of that unhappiness is rubbing off on me.
I am trying to find a summer gig tha will keep me far away from home, I hope it becomes a possibility. Why do I take crap so personally? Why am I so fickle?? I jump from emotion to emotion, like a sudden crash of a wave on to the sand, I disrupt and upset and that leave peacefully. I do jump and its confusing. I am realizing this now.
The other side is who I am. I am still searching, still trying. I dont know where or if I fit in. I feel like an outsider more and more, even with people I have known for years or people I considered bests. Goals? Dreams? Sometimes I feel like they are mere words, inscessent drumming of societies influence on my subconcious. What is me? Who is me? What is me? Validity... this seems to be what I am searching for, in all aspects. I need validity.

The beginning

2009-02-25T14:30:00.001-08:00

So today is Ash Wednesday and so begins the season of Lent. A time of humility and thinking, a strengthening of relationship with God. Usually people give up something such as a vice (i.e. facebook, chocolate) or go on a fast of sorts. I think that this lent I will focus on strengthening this relationship with God. It has been lacking lately and it really needs to be fixed. Pray that I may fix this, and soon! Happy Ash Wednesday!!

Hmmm

2009-02-19T05:51:00.001-08:00

Im getting close to the point of being overwhelmed, i dont feel like me. Rather i feel i am living a type of dream...so many thoughts running through my mind too. I really wish the filing system in my brain would start working again....

Confused, not amused, and a bit annoyed

2009-02-09T05:51:00.000-08:00

So I am sitting in class and I am just not in the mood. I am realizing daily that I don't like people, I don't like cockiness, I DO like confidence though, but there is a difference. Am I the easiest person to get along with? Heck no...but i am adaptable, I have to be in this world. I'm so confused about alot of things and for some reason I cant seem to trust in God nor in humans and especially not in myself. Its a hard place to be. I feel like the world is closing in on me, or at least my world is. Do I smile and laugh? yes. Society would not allow me to do otherwise, it sucks! I'm tired. This weekend church and holy ground focused on running the race. I know what I have to do for this race but i don't know how to implement it in my life and i don't want to. I'm scared of failure, of falling of disappointing myself and others. I think I need to go to counseling, there is nothing wrong with doing so but i do need to talk to someone. Talking helps to sort out stuff, working through my crap. Lord help me to do what I need to do to trust you and to run this race.

Its been a while...

2009-02-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for a while, ive sorta forgot I had this. This semester still hasnt gotten into full swing yet which makes it hard to focus on life....Leaving WHOS has given me more time but my relationship with G-O-D is still not great. I hope to bring it back to where it was, and make it better...To make my life a love song to Jesus! Lets see how this goes....

Hello World

2009-01-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

Life is truly an emotional roller coaster and relationships are definitely the oil that lubes the tracks! Its been a harrowing first few days of a new year. My goals and promises haven't really begun, it doesn't feel like the new year :( I don't know there is just so much on my mind and in my heart and i don't really know how to rationalize and deal with it.
But all of it to say I am tryin to love me, love life and just do whats in my heart... let the obstacles begin!

New Years Resolutions

2009-01-01T18:26:00.000-08:00

A New Year, 2009 hopes to bring excitement and change and I am petrified. There are so many shifts that need to and are going to happen in my life this year and I'm scared. What am I scared of you may ask or wonder...I am scared of knowing and learning about me. I take care of others because yes I care but also because I don't want to focus on me. I must say I have an amazing supportive boyfriend. He is just so cute when he randomly will just tell me I'm beautiful and although I laugh and smile I don't always believe it. I know as a child of God I am Gods creation and he made me just the way I am because it is how God saw fit but I am not always happy at what God made.
I have resolved this in 2009, I will learn to love God's creation. This is to say that me and my body are gonna get to know each other a lil better. As a temple my body needs to be treated as such, as a vessel for God's word and ministry my body needs to be strengthened. Mind, Body, and Spirit will be my focus in '09. Ive read two books in the last week that have challenged my ideals as a member of American society, a global citizen, a woman and as a Christian. Crazy right?!?!? Well Ima try to figure some things out this year and hopefully by the grace of God I shall come out of '09 with some answers. Pray for me

Sometimes I am a follower

2008-12-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

So Leslie (one of my best friends) started a blog the other day while procrastinating and I realized that this would probably help me a bunch too. There are so many thoughts and emotions running through me, now especially. I mean its hard, end of the semester is a killer one way or another. Austin and I had an interesting talk last night round 4am that definitely helped our relationship. We got a long way to go but I think we are in a really good place right now... There are a couple of conversations I do need to have with others about things Im feeling too. But yea I am realizing these blog posts are going to be as convoluted and confusing as my life and my mind are. So much more to come and pretty darn soon too. Oh for clarity and overall peace....God help me!

Blessing in the storm,
-C