This is how I feel...

I wish I didnt hate my body most of the time.
I wish I had money, not because I'm materialistic but rather money makes living in this world so much easier. All for going back to the trade and barter system.
I wish I could actually have a break, no responsibilities, no HW, just me time
I wish both programs I am waiting for would get back to me with their responses
I wish I could drive so I could just get in the car and go, for no other reason except going.
I wish I had a treadmill in this house so I could run/walk my stress out, I hate not having a place to put my aggression.
I wish I was listened to, not just heard.
I wish I had a room, like an actual sanctuary not just a room with my stuff temporarily placed.
I wish my HW would go do itself.
I wish my besties were with me.
I wish I had security AND freedom.

Thanks for listening God.

Chapel Stirrings...

Today in chapel we were asked to remember these questions, who we are and whose we are. Both are such important questions to ask as a individual and as a Christian. The answer to these questions helps to shape the individual mindset, they also help to define individual faith. My Christianity, my personal reaction and interaction with God has been shaky lately and it is very upsetting. I don't necessarily like who I am at times, for a variety of reasons (personal traits/ticks/etc) I'm also not really happy where I am personally. Ive discovered some songs bring tears and some pictures make my cry hard. These things I stumble on bring memories that make me conflicted.... But I'm ok. Through it all I'm ok causeI know I am God's. The things I see as imperfections are things that my Lord gave me. God loves me, even when I cant love myself.

Lenten Stirrings

Just like Casey posted Lent is my favorite Christian season, it slides right before Advent. Lent has been experienced and expressed in many forms by me over the years. One year I gave up meat which led to a 7month period after where I was a vegetarian, one year I began a devotional and journaling two things I still do on a not so consistent basis. And I have fasted.

This year I'm doing a bunch. I'm giving up soda, and no cursing. AND I'm not gossiping, which will be super hard for me. I dont realize I gossip but have been aware that I talk more than I need to about situations I know nothing about. With the cursing and gossip I need to figure out a way to make sure they stick, a punishment of sorts, maybe a fine for myself. I also plan on fasting once a week. And taking a day for me, to just be. I need to strengthen my relationship with God, I need to be more aware of my actions and words, conscious of what comes out of my mouth and what I think. Little changes that will change me to be the Christian and the person I need to be.

Love

Today is Valentine's Day....this year its about me! Learning to love me. And oh so appropriate that Ash Wednesday is this week....I plan on using this season of Lent to take care of me, to nurture me, to love me. If I can do it for 40days I can do it for the rest of my life :) Lord for a clean heart, for clarity, for patience... I ask for it all!

turbulance

Last week I went with some other Drew students to participate in the VRC's alternate winter break. The focus of the week is homelessness. My heart was pulled in all directions during this week. It was emotionally and physically draining. The good thing is I feel I may have a better grasp on what I want to do for my ministry, I know a lil early but I want to have some idea when I leave for grad school. There were alot of personality clashes as well this past week that made me realize how much of an independent worker I am...

The other side of life is that Lloyd's father passed away. The same day Mr. Cardwell passed away. This has got me thinking about who the black men are that will step up. How can we as women encourage and support our men? How can we within the church/Christian community spiritually and emotionally nourish?? What can I do at Drew to encourage? How can my potential ministry reach these people?

So many questions besides the ones I stated. Finding the answers is the hard part... Lord lead

This year

So this year has begun with no real bang for me but also no real change in some situations from before. It has begun with frustrations, questions and sadly some expectations... One thing I am trying to do is strengthen my relationship with God and figure out who I am. I say who I am and not who I am as a Christian because my Christianity is inherent to who I am, what makes me me.

One thing I am actually trying to do is take me time this semester and this year. This will be seen through scheduled workout time on my end to ensure my personal fitness and to ensure my happiness with my physical. It will also be seen through taking an actual sabbath. The extent of doing work will be reading for a class. If I stick to my intended schedule I shall have plenty of time to guarantee success. Lord God I pray for success.

Something I did do differently this year was write a list of goals for the year. I havent done this for a while but its a great way to focus on a daily level. I need to focus on the day to day to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." (Mat 6:34).

Prayers would be greatly appreciated from all of you. :)

Knocked out of a Worshippping mind

Church ended 2 hours ago and still I feel unsettled, and annoyed, and a tad upset. Austin says I look sad, and in a way I guess I am. Getting to church early today made me happy and after the great service on Friday I had great expectations for todays service. The service itself was awesome and spirit driven, while Rev Powell's word was on POINT but my neighbor made church almost unbearable. As church began a family who are members of the church came in and I scooted over to let them sit. I am usually able to judge how much room is needed and I did but she asked me to scoot over again until I ended up moving from one side of the bench to the other for two adults and a child. SO this had made me a tad irritated but I let it go and moved on.

I am a worshipper, anyone who knows me knows that I praise God through my worship and specifically my music. As usual music as FBCSO was amazing and I was truly enjoying it but the woman next to me kept on taking me out of my worship. She as well was enjoying the music and began to worship with her hands but her hands started to invade my space. It continued to happen throughout the service. She waved her hands in praise, in front of my face among other things. The whole experience reminded me of something I read last summer about worship and worshipping. It said something along the lines of just because you are in a mindset of worship it doesnt mean you should ignore your neighbor and fellow worshipper. You are not the only one worshipping when in a worship setting such as church. This is something I try to remember wherever I am, whether I am leading worship or not. Unless I am worshipping by myself I need to be concious of everyone around me. Im still bothered by this instince.

Lord help me to forgive and move past this situation. Help me to not let these things discourage me from worshipping you. Thank you for being an understanding and merciful God. Amen